Hellerisms

Phrasings keep occuring to me that could be used in a possible sequel to Catch 22 (Catch 23?). Like a character named Warren Pease.
Come Heller, high water.
He mounted Olympia.
There were more on my lips a few minutes ago but they're gone now.

Math

The amount of upkeep required to maintain a healthy human body is mathematically impossible to do if you want to devote any of your time and attention to other things. Oh sure, I could make myself into the healthiest person with the nicest shape and the glossiest hair, but that would mean less time for reading or playing boggle or making origami out of credit card bills. There're just too many other things I want to do in life other than pilates and moisturizing.

By my calculation, when you see those extremely physically fit people walking around with insanely white teeth and a totally together outfit with a bag to die for, you can pretty much assume they spend most of their time on their appearance and not a lot of time on inner development. I'm just saying...mathematics is on my side. There is just no way to be both physically conditioned and mentally on top of things.

Example: have you watched Jeopardy lately? I mean the new episodes when the pop culture questions come up? You can't rely on things you learned in college if you want to ace Jeopardy, you have to keep up with technology and music and art and world events if you want to really make a showing on Jeop. How can you do that if your priority is freshly-manicured feet and no cellulite? It does not add up.

Things that annoy

Things that annoy me:

1. Titles that begin with a gerund, e.g. "Saving Silverman," "Being John Malkovich," "Inventing the Abbotts," "Doing the Something"...etc. Way overdone, too easy, too little thought. I was so annoyed when I found out they were finally making a movie based on my favorite author's life until I saw that it was titled "Becoming Jane." Jane herself would have been annoyed by this title I think. HOWEVER, the movie was very good so they may be excused.
2. Non-reclosable grocery items. Like crackers, for instance. Townhouse Crackers come in "stay fresh packs" -- yeah right, they stay fresh until you open them. You can't possibly eat a whole entire stack of crackers, so what now? You're forced to tear the packaging all the way down just because that's the only way to open it and get the crackers out. When you're done, you try to twist up the end of the plastic, shove it back in the box and hurriedly close the lid before it becomes unravelled. Stay fresh my foot.
3. Conversations that begin with "guess what?" How the hell should I know?
4. People that complain all the time. Number 12 on the list of things I would change about myself if I could.
5. so so so many more things, but I'm bored with this list already so never mind.

Fessing Up

Half of my life is a lie. I haven't killed anyone or committed adultery or embezzled money from people or whatever. The lie I'm talking about is that I'm just not me half the time. I say things that aren't true. And I'm sick of considering other people's opinions of me before I consider my own.

Here are some recent examples of lies I have told:

1. I loved my kids from the moment they were born.
2. I couldn't imagine life without my husband.
3. I love my job because it is so challenging.
4. I love sushi.

None of those statements are true.

Why did I say them, then? What is it that makes us say things that aren't even close to being the truth? By saying these things do I think I achieve the illusion of normalcy?

Because if someone said all of those things to me, I would think to myself "wow, we have nothing in common; I don't understand you, I don't want to be your friend..." So WHY would I say them to someone else? Do I want them to think I'm someone they can't understand or be friends with? That is so stupid. It's just STUPID to lie about things like this. I know there a lots of women who didn't love their babies the moment they were painfully pulled from their wombs...so why would I pretend to feel otherwise? Maybe if I fess up to being the awful person I am; others will be able to relate to me because they'll feel free to fess up to the awful people they are.

This blog is a place for me to be brutally honest about how I really feel about my self, my kids, my husband, my job, my neighbors, and my cat (I added my cat to the list because the truth is that I totally hate my cat and am waiting for it to die and I've never been able to tell that to another living soul because it seems like the trait of a sociopath not to love a cat).

So, Okay, Self--time to fess up....